(中学篇)2019年第02期:“展示而非讲述”策略在读后续写中的运用(浙江:张春霞、胡圆圆;附PDF下载)

 
【摘  要】本文针对记叙文以叙述、描写为主要表达方式的写作特点,提出了用“展示而非讲述”策略进行细节描写,并结合2017年6月浙江省高考英语读后续写真题,阐述了如何运用该策略解决学生在读后续写中内容单调、空洞、缺乏真情实感的问题。
 
【关键词】读后续写;记叙文;细节描写;“展示而非讲述”策略
 
 
一、引言
 
《普通高中英语课程标准(2017年版)》中关于高中英语学业质量水平的二级要求指出:学生在书面表达中能有条理地描述自己或他人的经历,阐述观点,表达情感态度;能描述事件发生、发展的过程;能描述人或事物的特征、说明概念;能概述所读语篇的主要内容或续写语篇(教育部,2018)。
 
2016年开始浙江省高考采用读后续写题型。评分主要考虑以下四个方面:(1)与所给短文及段落开头语的衔接程度;(2)内容的丰富性和对所给关键词语的覆盖情况;(3)应用语法结构及词汇的丰富性和准确性;(4)上下文的连贯性(教育部考试中心,2015)。该题型既有对思维的要求,又是对英语书面表达能力(语言运用的准确性和丰富性)的考查。
 
浙江新高考的四次读后续写真题都是记叙文。相比其他体裁,记叙文的话题更贴近生活,有一定趣味性,给学生的想象空间较大,上下文连贯性较强,语言难度易把握,更适合用于读后续写(刘庆思、陈康,2016)。记叙文以记叙人物的经历或事件的发展变化过程为主,以叙述、描写为主要表达方式,以表达一个哲理、说明一个观点、弘扬一种美德或表达自己的情感为目的(陆佳,2014)。考生既要分析人物关系、人物的性格和情感变化,又要分析事件背景、开端与发展,这样才能在续写部分展开合理想象,使续写内容合乎逻辑。
 
然而,不少学生在写作时往往只关注情节,不知如何拓展内容和展开细节描写,导致续写部分词数不足,内容单调、空洞,没有真情实感或者没有个性特征。究其原因有二:一是学生仅仅叙述一个事件,而没有借助细节描写,使用具体的形象感染读者,让读者感同身受。二是教师在读后续写教学中主要指导学生分析文本、绘制思维导图、根据关键词与两个段首句合理预测续写内容,而对具体怎么写的指导不够。在读后续写教学中教师应着重培养学生描写细节的意识与习惯。
 
二、“展示而非讲述”策略
 
读后续写中到底该怎样进行细节描写呢?我们可以借鉴国外英语教学中经常使用的“展示而非讲述”(Show, don't tell.)策略。根据《牛津高阶英汉双解词典》(第七版),“讲述”指给出信息(give information);“展示”指给出证明或证据来展现(demonstrate something, give evidence or proof)。维基百科中提到,“展示而非讲述”是一种可适用于各种文本的写作技巧。读者通过作者对人物的动作、语言、想法、感官与感觉的描写,而不是作者的说明或总结,来体验故事(Wikipedia,2018)。“讲述”是提供信息,经常是对事件宽泛的、抽象的总结。而“展示”通过对人物动作、语言、想法、感觉以及自然风景、场面气氛等细小环节或情节的描写,使场景戏剧化。“展示而非讲述”意味着一个说故事的人不解释(interpret),而是挑选启发性的细节(select revealing details),塑造鲜明的人物角色,让情节扣人心弦(陆佳,2014)。
 
与讲述相比,展示有以下两大特征: 
 
1. 具体而非抽象(Concrete rather than abstract)
 
通过细节描写,展示能使抽象的概念具体化,在读者头脑中形成具体的意象(imagery)。其主要表达方法有:
 
(1)聚焦不同感官(Focus on different senses)
 
人类通过五种感官感知外部世界。借助作者对感官的细致展示,读者能对外在世界进行多维感知。 
 
例1:
 
[Tell] I love listening to music.
 
[Show] I love listening to deafening rock and roll music (听觉) flowing out of the CD player as dazzling lights are turned on and off constantly (视觉). My body can't help dancing against the pole (触觉) to the music as if I were flying above the clouds (感觉).
 
例2:
 
[Tell] Nature was calm and peaceful.
 
[Show] It was the cool, gray (视觉) dawn, and there was a delicious (味觉) sense of rest and peace in the deep, spreading calm and silence of the woods. Not a leaf moved (视觉); not a sound disturbed great Nature's deep thought (听觉).
 
在例1中的讲述部分,作者介绍了爱好,这是个抽象的概念;在展示部分,作者加入了听音乐过程中的各种感官描写,使读者在头脑中能够形成具体的意象。例2中的讲述部分介绍了calm and peaceful两个抽象概念;而展示部分描写男孩在森林中醒来之后看到、听到的景象及感受到的大自然的安宁与寂静。通过delicious一词,作者运用了通感的写作手法,用形象的语言使视觉与味觉交错,使意象更为活泼、新奇。而Nature's deep thought这样的表达则运用了拟人修辞手法:自然拥有了人的情感、思维。拟人使描写生动形象,使抽象的概念具体化。
 
(2)聚焦面部、身体和声音(Focus on face, body and voice)
 
读后续写中常需描写人物情感。人物的面部表情、身体动作及发出的声音能展现人物对外界事物的反应以及自己内心的情感,在读者头脑中形成具体意象。这远比解释抽象的情感更易操作、更具吸引力。
 
3
 
[Tell] She was angry.
 
[Show] “I'll never believe you again!” she barked at him (声音), her whole body shaking like a leaf (身体). Salty, warm tears streamed down her pale cheeks to her swollen, dry lips (面部).
 
例4:
 
[Tell] Jenny was acting a little suspiciously.
 
[Show] Jenny immediately slammed the drawer shut. I saw her slip something behind her back (身体). She then forced a smile (面部), and said hoarsely, “Hi. I wasn't — I didn't expect you back so soon.”(声音)
 
在例3与例4中,讲述部分的中心词是描述性的、具有抽象含义的形容词angry与副词suspiciously,这是作者的主观论断。在展示部分,读者能够通过作者对人物面部、身体与声音的具体描写感受到人物的心情(例3)或接受作者的观点(例4)。
 
2. 精准而非笼统(Specific rather than general)
 
讲述经常给出笼统的结论(general conclusions)或者使用笼统的描述性形容词、副词。展示使用范围较小,指向更精准的词汇,使笼统含义具体化,使描写更加生动形象。其主要表达方法有:
 
(1)使用精准化动作类词汇(Use specific action verbs)
 
使用精准化动作类词汇就是对动作进行细致描写,用一系列小动作替换大动作或者用含义比较明确的动词替换抽象或虚化的动词,使描写更加具体生动。
 
5
 
[Tell] Tom saved the little girl out of the burning house.
 
[Show] Without delay, Tom kicked the door open with great force, only to find the little girl lying on the floor. Immediately, he picked her up, shielded her nose from the choking smoke and rushed downstairs.
 
例6:
 
[Tell] The little boy said sorry to his mother.
 
[Show] The little boy hung his head and mumbled an apology to his mother. 
 
例5讲述部分的中心词是笼统的动词saved;而在展示部分作者把营救的一系列动作具体化,推进了情节的发展。例6中讲述部分用了said sorry to,不带任何感情色彩;而展示部分使用了具体化的表示“说”的动词mumbled,从而使一个不愿意道歉又不得不道歉的小男孩的形象栩栩如生地浮现在读者脑海中。
 
(2)提供具体、细节的信息(Give specific detailed information)
 
展示的内容往往比较具体,范围比较小,能提供更多关于人物的深层信息。
 
例7:
 
I love sports.
 
I love outdoor sports.
 
I love outdoor sports such as rafting and bungee jumping.
 
I love outdoor sports such as rafting and bungee jumping because I love the feeling of freedom and excitement.
 
例8:
 
[Tell] My father is ugly but I love him.
 
[Show] The middle-aged man already has double chins and a receding hairline, but I love him, because he is my dad.
 
例7中的四个句子,后面三个更具体,细节信息不断充实。最后一句中作者提到了喜欢的运动项目rafting和 bungee jumping以及喜欢这些项目的原因,使读者可以从中了解作者的个性特征:崇尚自由、喜欢冒险、外向开朗等,因而此描写最丰富生动。例8展示部分对爸爸的外貌描写缩小到下巴与发际线,具体化ugly这一笼统的描述性形容词,并添加年龄(middle-aged)信息来解释爸爸ugly的原因。这些具体化的描写与下一句形成鲜明的对比,对主题起了反衬的作用:爸爸虽然丑,但我爱他。
 
由于聚焦更加细致,并提供了更为精确的词汇、信息与证据,因而展示与讲述相比,更具生动性、趣味性与丰富性,更具可信度与说服力,使读者更容易接受作者的观点,从而能顺利地达到记叙文写作的目的。所以,展示在读后续写中是更好的选择。
 
三、“展示而非讲述”策略的应用案例
 
现以2017年6月浙江高考读后续写真题为例,阐述如何在具体的语言描写中运用“展示而非讲述”策略。该文讲述中学教师Mac与朋友一起骑车旅行,朋友的自行车坏了,让他先行一步。Mac骑行时被狼追赶,他拼命骑车并使用防狼喷雾,但狼仍紧追不放。此时Paul与Becky驾车经过看到这一幕……续写部分第一段给出的首句是: The car abruptly stopped in front of him. 第二段给出的首句是:A few minutes later, the other two cyclists arrived.
 
以下是一位学生续写的第一段:The car abruptly stopped in front of him. Becky asked Mac to get into the car. But the wolf caught up with Mac and tried to stop Mac from getting into the car. Mac was frightened. Luckily, he managed to get in and shut the door. He felt relieved when he sat onto the seat. However, the wolf didn't give up. Paul sounded the horn. Hearing the large noise, the wolf ran away immediately.
 
显然,学生的习作以讲述为主,斜体部分描写不够细致与具体,下划线部分是主观论断。笔者引导学生运用“展示而非讲述”策略,对这篇习作做了如下改进:
 
1. 聚焦不同感官
 
(1)学生习作:Mac was frightened.
 
教师指导:学生习作中对Mac心情的描写用了讲述性词语frightened。学生可以增加人物对外部世界感知的具体细节。
 
改进后的作文如下:① On seeing the huge, ferocious wolf jumping at him, Mac was rooted to the ground, unable to move an inch (视觉). ② When hearing the wolf gasping heavily behind him, Mac was seized by panic and let out a cry of terror (听觉). ③ The wolf got nearer and nearer. Mac was overwhelmed with horror. With his palms sweating, he could hardly hold the handles (触觉). ④ As the wolf almost pressed its nose against his, Mac's throat tightened and his knees felt weak (触觉).
 
(2)学生习作:He felt relieved when he sat onto the seat.
 
教师指导:学生可以用3~5句话从感官层面描写人物relieved的心情,连续几句话的描写能让学生关注细节与行文的连贯流畅。
 
改进后的作文: Mac threw himself onto the seat, still panting anxiously. He turned to Becky, who exclaimed, “Thank goodness. You are safe!”(听觉) Mac placed his hands on his chest and said breathlessly, “It was a nightmare and I thought I was going to die!” Becky patted Mac on the shoulder understandingly (视觉、触觉).
 
教师补充:还可以借助修辞在读者头脑中创造直观、具体的意象,如: Mac raced to the door as fast as lightning (比喻). The fierce wolf made Mac's hair stand on end (拟人). It seemed as if the world were at an end (夸张).
 
2. 聚焦面部、身体和声音
 
记叙文往往有一条显示故事发展脉络的明线。本续写原文的情节主线是骑行(开端)、被追与逃生(发展),续写部分的情节为获救、重聚(高潮与结局)。记叙文还有一条表达人物内心世界的思想、情感的暗线。教师可以指导学生从人物的面部表情、身体动作与语调声音等方面,按照情节发展与情绪变化进行相应的细节描写。续写部分主人公的情绪发展主要是:terrified→relieved→grateful。根据此情绪线索,教师指导学生在续写第一段中对面部、身体和声音进行如下细节描写:
 
 
Terrified
Relieved
Grateful
Face
Sweat, mixed with tears, ran down his cheeks as he slid into the car.
A big smile of relief spread across his face, like a ray of sunshine.
Mac looked at Paul and Becky, tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes.
Body
Mac waved at Paul wildly. Seeing the door open, he threw his bicycle aside and dashed into the car.
He collapsed on the seat, feeling an enormous weight shifted from his shoulders.
Holding Paul's hands, Mac bowed to him with tears in his eyes.
Voice
“Help!”Mac yelled out loudly in a shaky voice.
He sighed in relief, and then tried to speak, but words failed him.
His voice was still trembling, “Thank you so much.”
  
根据情节发展与情感线索从面部、身体和声音三个方面进行细节描写,能让学生明确思考方向,把握写作重点,使续写部分符合记叙文文体特征(叙述故事与抒发情感)。当然,在正式成文时不必面面俱到,可以根据需要重组或删减。
 
此外,围绕情绪、聚焦细节的描写还可以把讲述和展示相结合,即先给出作者观点,再添加细节说明观点或情感,这样既能让读者迅速掌握信息,又能使描写生动具体。比如,以下例子中的情感类词汇与具体动作类词汇连用。
 
(1) With a frightened look on his face, he yelled at the driver, “Help!”
 
(2) His eyes sparkled with excitement and the next minute, he dashed for the car.
 
(3) Tears of gratitude streamed down his face as Mac held Paul's hands.
 
(4) To his surprise/Surprisingly, the wolf kept growling outside the car.
 
(5) Disappointed and upset, the wolf ran away.
 
3. 使用精准化动作类词汇
 
本续写原文是遇险故事,情节主要靠动作推进,使用的动词质朴、简洁、短促、有力,如:Mac was pedaling hard now. He waved and yelled at passing cars. 续写部分也要使用动感强、层次感强的动词。学生习作中有三处动词的运用内容空洞,不够具体。学生可以用展示的方法使其具体化,让动作描写一气呵成,更加符合当时危险紧急的情况。
 
(1)学生习作:But the wolf caught up with Mac and tried to stop Mac from getting into the car.
 
改进后的作文:The wolf soon caught up and charged at Mac abruptly. Mac stepped back, and narrowly avoided being hit. The wolf then tried to grab Mac's sleeves with its sharp teeth, but in vain because Mac had dived into the car.
 
(2)学生习作:Luckily, he managed to get in and shut the door.
 
改进后的作文:Without any hesitation, Mac jumped off the bicycle, sprinted for the car and dived into the car immediately. He threw himself onto the seat and slammed the door behind him, only to find his eyes meeting those of the wolf outside the window.
 
(3)学生习作:However, the wolf didn't give up.
 
改进后的作文:The wolf seemed unwilling to go away. Instead, it circled around the car several times, growling all the time. It then knocked its body against the car door violently.
 
 此外,精准化动词的运用还可以体现在用富有变化的动词描述同一对象。例如,以下例子中画线部分精细化了对Mac和狼的脚部动作的描写。
 
(1) He stamped hard on the pedals, struggling to move ahead at a high speed.
 
(2) He made a rush for the car, opened the door and slid into the car.
 
(3) Without hesitation, Mac jumped off the bicycle and dashed into the car.
 
(4) Mac stormed into the car and shut the car door before the wolf could squeeze in.
 
(5) The wolf lost its balance, staggered back and toppled over. It then struggled to its feet and ran away.
 
(6) The wolf kicked the car door with great force but still couldn't get it open. It then tried to climb onto the car, but in vain. Eventually, it got tired and sped off.
 
描写Mac动作,可以用以下词语:grab、seize、grasp、clench、pinch、 scratch、shake、wave、raise、stretch、point、tear、draw、drag等;表示“说”的具体动词有:howl、bark、growl、roar、rumble、yell、shout、cry、scream、murmur、mumble、whisper、 sigh等。这些具体化的动词具有不同的隐含意义,带有不同的感情色彩,适用于不同的场合,能增加文本的生动性与丰富性。
 
4. 提供具体细节信息
 
学生可以利用展示策略给出具体化的、小范围的信息,使文本描写更加生动形象。
 
(1)增加人物语言或想法 
 
人物的语言或想法能展示人物性格,推进情节发展。比如,续写第一段中可以用展示策略描写Becky呼叫Mac上车。
 
学生习作:Becky asked Mac to get into the car.
 
教师指导:为了体现当时的紧急状态,应使用yelled、shouted、cried等具体的动词;还可以写出具体的对话,对话宜用简洁有力的祈使句;在描写中也可以用一些象声词如Bang、Boom、Ouch等勾画出险象环生的画面。          
 
改进后的句子1Becky yelled to Mac at the top of her lungs, “Get in!”
 
改进后的句子2:“Help!” Mac yelled out loud in a trembling voice. “Get in,” Becky yelled back and opened the door to let him in. Mac jumped into the car immediately and slammed the door shut with a loud bang.
 
(2)描写外形或外貌
 
适度的外形或外貌描写能体现主题。该文是遇险故事,对狼的外形描写能营造出一种紧张的气氛。描写可以具体到大小、高度、颜色、面部特征、面部表情、动作等。以下为教师指导后学生对狼的外形的描写:
 
①About 1.5 meters long, the wolf was huge. It looked scary, with its eyes glowing red and a mouth full of sharp teeth.
 
②Mac caught a glimpse of its fierce green eyes, glowing with shiny light and its hungry look as it pressed its nose against the car window.
 
结合上文所述展示的几个方法,学生修改后的习作如下:
 
Becky hurriedly opened the door and stretched out her hands, shouting, “Get in!” Mac's heart beat wildly. Knowing this was his last chance, Mac threw his bicycle aside and raced over to the car door. But the wolf caught up and made a dash for Mac. Mac staggered back but soon gained his balance. Before the wolf could jump at him again, he hopped into the car swiftly. He breathed a sigh of relief as Becky congratulated him on his narrow escape. However, the wolf began to scratch the car door with its sharp claws and even crashed onto the car door with great force several times. Paul sounded the horn repeatedly. Hearing the large noise, the wolf panicked and galloped off.
 
四、结语
 
“展示而非讲述”策略更关注细节描写,能使抽象的、笼统的概念具体化,使读者能够身临其境,感同身受。但是在使用展示策略时,受到篇幅的限制以及为了突出重点的需要,应牢记细节描写为主题服务,要注意掌握描写的度,不需要面面俱到。“展示而非讲述”策略若运用恰当,能使读后续写中的细节描写更加有效,使文章更具感染力,更吸引读者,真正达到记叙文写作的目的。

 
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商务印书馆. 2009. 牛津高阶英汉双解词典(第七版)[M]. 北京:商务印书馆.
 
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附作者信息:张春霞、胡圆圆   浙江省宁波市第二中学  

    

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